Smiley's blog

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm pretty much going to take over the world...yeah...pretty much...ya know why? Because someone told me that I couldn't. Mah ha ha!

I want to go to BYU and become a drama teacher, but my family wants me to go to BYU and become a drama teacher....so I'm Freakin' gonna go to Harvard and become a lawyer. Screw it all!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

How I shall break up with Ben

Okay, well I don't think I'm breaking up with Ben...like...tonight or anything...but...I've come with an awesome plan of how to do it.
1. Burn track four of the Putnam County 25th annual spelling bee (The song is about thirty seconds long and consists of children saying 'goodbye' over and over again) onto a new CD
2. Write on CD: Ben's Breakup CD
3. Go to his house and give him CD
4. Tell him "We're over. If you have any questions, listen to the CD"
5. Walk away

As long as he lives....he will never forget me.

Ma ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

Ma ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

ummm... haven't blogged in a bit

I was reading random blogs today...and there was this one where this guy wrote about his son...and there relationship...and how much he loved him...and...after I read it I just sat and cried. It was so...beautiful. So...I decided I'd blog again. Maybe I'm not poetic...maybe I'm not a profound thinker...but I have an interesting life. I've been through a lot...I go through a lot...and maybe I can make someone feel the way that man made me feel. That's what life is all about, right? It's about taking what you learn and teaching others. It's about creating, loving, hurting...living...and then sharing it. Maybe someone else is going through my situation...maybe I can help them...So anyway, I'm blogging again. Yeah.

ummm... haven't blogged in a bit

I was reading random blogs today...and there was this one where this guy wrote about his son...and there relationship...and how much he loved him...and...after I read it I just sat and cried. It was so...beautiful. So...I decided I'd blog again. Maybe I'm not poetic...maybe I'm not a profound thinker...but I have an interesting life. I've been through a lot...I go through a lot...and maybe I can make someone feel the way that man made me feel. That's what life is all about, right? It's about taking what you learn and teaching others. It's about creating, loving, hurting...living...and then sharing it. Maybe someone else is going through my situation...maybe I can help them...So anyway, I'm blogging again. Yeah.

ummmm...haven't blogged in a while

I disappointed everyone in my life...within like five minutes. I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm depressed...I can't believe I could hurt so many people in such a short amount of time. And all the time, I was trying to help them...to protect them...but ended up hurting them worse...or maybe they would have gotten hurt anyways...I'm just a failure. I came in here and shut the door so I wouldn't have to see anyone...I got online so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone... I even signed off of MSN so I couldn't type to anyone...I'll just hurt them. I cried for a while and then I started reading random blogs...just to get my mind off stuff...and there was this guy who wrote ...just wrote about his son...and their relationship...and it was so beautiful....I cried forever...and now I'm blogging again. Because maybe somebody random out there will read this blog who feels like me...and I'll be able to help them. To everyone out there that feels like they hurt people and can't control it...to those people who are always sick and never seem to get better...to those people who just want to love and be loved...to those people who have the world's biggest "to do list" that never seems to end...You're not alone.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Numb and lonely...

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't stand the thought of looking my mom in the face and smiling and telling her that everything was alright. I couldn't stand the thought of talking to Ben and pretending to be happy and carefree, when I really want to cry and scream.

My father's been an ass lately...and I know that you guys are all there for me and everything...but I still feel so alone. No one understands how I feel. At school, no one understands that I'm dying inside. They think I'm the same/happy person I've always been. And, I dont' want to talk to them about everything that's going on in my life...I just wish my teachers...and my friends...and presidency...could understand that even getting out of bed in the morning drains me emotionally. Coming to school is torture...I hear people complaining about little things...like preference...and it's just like...so stupid. I just wish....I don't know. At home, the un-understanding is even worse. I'm so tired of my family telling me how should feel. Mom telling me that I need to be "a little girl" and let 'mom take care of it'. My brothers telling me that I'm an idiot. Why can't they just let me mourn...why can't they just let me get the hurt over with so that I can heal.

I wanted to get up this morning and scream and cry and break things and punch things...but instead I got up and cleaned. I didn't cry...I didn't smile...I didn't do anything. I can't do anything. I feel numb inside. I've stuffed every honest emotion so far down...that all that's left is a robot...I tried so hard to not show that I was upset....and my mom still yelled at me this morning. "Why are you so grumpy?" she said. ... "i'm sick." I answered. Maybe if I lie enough I'll start to believe it. Isn't that what Stanislovski says....Tell your self something and eventually the sub-consious takes over and you believe it, right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine....

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't think I'm like, a freak or something...just family issues...ya'll know how that goes...well....okay, then. Thanks.

Honor your parents...uummm...like hell.

I'm sorry. But God had no clue what he was talking about. Honor your parents? Why? I never asked to come to them. I don't owe them anything! If I had sent them a letter from heaven and been like, "Dear Mommy and Daddy, please give me a chance to come to earth" then that would be another story, but I didn't. They chose to have me, and if they don't like me, that't their problem. Now, I understand that you do have to obey/be grateful to them, if they like, provide for you and stuff. But what if they don't! Then I don't owe them a thing! Right! It's just like that a sperm-donor. There's no scripture about "honor thy sperm-donor"! Stupid...

Monday, November 07, 2005

For the love of all that is holy, I am NOT a freaking energizer bunny!!!!!!

I feel like I'm running. I feel like I've been running for two years...sprinting since school started. And I'm giving out. Everything is catching up with me and I just can't get away from it anymore. But I CAN'T let it catch me...I can't!!!!!! But it is...ugh. Ben...my past, dear heaven, my past...my father....my grades...everything is catching up with me.

I went to Cabella's the other night and...it disturbed me SO much. Cabella's was my life. I was a farm girl-hick-fisher-hunter-elk raiser-counry bumpkin. I lived that life. I've spent hours in sporting goods stores just like that one. But I haven't been in one, or seen an elk, or heard a bull bugal, or looked at rifles, or fishing knifes...in two years. I haven't thought about them either. I feel like when I moved here I was like a mushroom...one day it rained and POOF, here I was. No roots, no history, just a spore in the wind that landed and that was me. I forgot that I had a history...I've been running from it for years...I'm a different person now..but last week it came and bit me in the butt and scared me to death. I can't run...I can't hide...not anymore...

And Ben, he's a good kid and he supports me and helps me...but he's so dumb. Either that or he's really really mean. Either way he hurts me. Why does he do it? The one person...the one person I asked him not to date is the first person he asked...why? Why should I stay with someone who did a thing like that. Yes, Ben is an idiot. And idiot or an abuser.

My father's catching up with me too...I don't want to talk about that...but let's just say I have bruises in my soul from the emotional havoc he causes. God in heaven, I hate that man. But i can't run from him anymore...he's always there.

All of it's always there....AND I DON"T KEEP GOING AND GOING!!!!! I stop sometime...and that time is coming soon. *sigh* Do I have to get tomorrow????

Monday, October 24, 2005

Okay...I've calmed down...

I've thought a lot about it the past few days. It's really been bothering me because I couldn't figure why the things Ben are doing now are bugging me so much now when before it didn't. I came up with this: I see Liz almost every day...and I know Ben sees Liz everyday....and..I'm a jealous hooch monkey. Ben likes Liz...I think...even if he doesn't (which I think he does) it hurts that he sees her and spends time with her and so when I see him flirt with her it hurts more because I know that he's doing more then that with her when I'm not around. And now that Liz is with Chase...I mean, I happy for Chase and everything, really I am....it just hurts to have her around...and hanging out with her?...I don't know if I can handle it.

Anyways...back to what I've decided. Ben could really, honestly, truely like me. Bbuuut, that's a long shot. Ben could also be manipulating me and using me as a cuddle buddy. Either way, I can play his game. I enjoy having a cuddle buddy as much as he does...why should I let that go just because he can be a jerk? The key is this: I CANNOT put my heart on the line. Unfortunatly...my heart is on the line...so I've just got to bring it back. Until then, I probably will be sad and weepy and whinny and annoying....but I'll get over it. Ben hurt me...but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not about to throw away our relationship just becuase I'm a jealous wench. That's it.

(hee hee...Ben's jealous too...in the haunted forest when I was grabbing Chase's shoulder to guide us becuase I couldn't see where we were going...Ben got mad...it was so funny...thanks Chase (okay, is it just me or is that SO much different then wanting to go to his ex-girlfriends house? Did I have a right to be mad about that? Should I be mad at Ben? I don't know what gives me the right to be mad and what doesn't!?! It's SO frustrating! I'm not like him, right? I wasn't grabbing Chase's shoulder because I was like "oohhh...hot shoulder" or "oohh, it's Chase, I'll grab his shoulder" or '' ha, make Ben jealous by grabbing Chases's shoulder"...NO....it was dark, I couldn't see, Chase was just in front of me. If Ben can get possessive about that then I SO have a right to get possessive over Ben wanting to go to Liz's and stuff...right?))

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Friendship After Love

This is the second time in three days that Ben has brought me to tears. I'm sitting here sobbing...I'm so hurt. I don't even know if I have a reason to be hurt, that's the worst thing...I've never had a boyfriend...I don't know what's acceptable for him to do and what isn't. I don't if I'm just being dumb and sensitive and getting hurt over nothing...that's probably it...that has to be it...he did worse things before and I was fine...why does it hurt so badly now. It seems that lately I've been hurt more then happy. I know the break up has to come. God, I know it has to come...I'm just not ready. It's hell. This is hell...but it's more hell then this...I think. I know it's coming...I'm just not ready....

Friendship After Love
AFTER the fierce midsummer all ablaze
Has burned itself to ashes, and expires
In the intensity of its own fires,
There come the mellow, mild, St. Martin days
Crowned with the calm of peace, but sad with haze.
So after Love has led us, till he tires
Of his own throes, and torments, and desires,
Comes large-eyed friendship: with a restful gaze,
He beckons us to follow, and across
Cool verdant vales we wander free from care.
Is it a touch of frost lies in the air?
Why are we haunted with a sense of loss?
We do not wish the pain back, or the heat;
And yet, and yet, these days are incomplete.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I hate him...I hate him for hurting me...for manipulating me..but I love him for being him...and I don't want to be hurt anymore but I know that when I break up with him, there's gonna be an empty part in my heart. Lisa, don't show this to Ben....I've got to be an actress. I've got to build up my skin to the way it was before. These little assine things he keeps doing...I've got to stop them from hurting. It's MEN, emily, NOT ben...just men in general. I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I might as well start learning now. You're going to say that that isn't true...that most men are good...that's a LIE....they're not...(No offense to you boys)...anyway...I've got to put up with it and I can't show it ....I can't show it....I'm just not ready for friendship after love...not yet anyways.