Smiley's blog

Thursday, June 30, 2005

I hope you don't mind

"I hope you don't mind, I took Lisa to a movie."
The words hit my heart like a mallet.
I feel the dark cloak of disappointment
Fall on my shoulders and begin to way me down.
The emense feelings of inadequacy that alway linger inside
Suddenly become magnified, and begin to coil their way around my lungs
And make it difficult to breath.
I'm not good enough
I'm too fat
I'm too ugly
I'm too stupid
I'm too dull
I'm just not good enough.
But the words come out of my mouth that always come
"No, I don't mind."

"I hope you don't mind, I told my friend you were my girlfriend."
A flare of anger sparks in my heart
And lights up the passionate fury that I hide.
How dare he try to possess me
When he is not my possession at all.
How dare he think that he can have his cake and eat it too
When I just get to look at my cake through a window.
I want to hang up on him
I want to yell at him
I want to dump him
I want to forget him
I want to tell him how I feel
But the words come out of my mouth that always come
"No, I don't mind."

"I hope you don't mind, I'd like to come over tomorrow."
Now the spark of anger that has just been lit
Erupts into a blazing wildfire.
It consumes me and makes me want to shake.
I feel fury
I feel rage
I feel wrath
I feel ferocity
I feel fervent, unbearable anger
I hate him, but he is not why I'm angry.
I'm angry with myself.
Because I know that tomorrow
When I get that inevitable call
The words will come out of my mouth that always come
"No, I don't mind."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Boys again

CAUTION: The following blog contains a teenage-girls idiotic rantings about boys. If you do not want to hear such rantings, by all means stop reading and move on to the next blog. I will not be offended or hurt in the least. I just need to send my worries out into the cosmic void.

Okay, so a few weeks ago Jessy said something that is really bothering me. She was talking about a guy that she liked and that she thought liked her. However, she knew that he also like someone else. Anyways, she said something to the effect of, "I like him, but I don't want to be second best." That comment hit me so hard. In my current relationship I am definitely in a "second best" position. I've known that I'm not Ben's first choice girl since before our relationship even began and I thought that I was okay with that. When Jessy said that, I thought about it a lot and decided that I could handle being second best. I mean face it...I'm not the greatest bait on the hook. But lately I've been realizing that I'm not just second to Ben. I'm like fourth or fifth. There are so many girls that I know Ben would rather be with then me. So here's the big issue: Jessy wouldn't stand for being second best and I'm trying to be content with being fourth or fifth...to Ben. What does that say about my self image. I mean, I realize that I'm not great but do I really think that little of myself?

Oh my goodness, I feel so much better now that I've vented.

Starlet

I'm watching Marisa's tape of the "Starlet" and I have the most passionate urge to act. Oh my heck, I can hardly handle it. Uuggghhh, I want to be a good actress. Ugh, I just want to act...blah!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I'm tired

I'm really tired today. But not the physical tired where you go to sleep and then get up in ten hours completely refreshed. My soul is tired. I'm so sick of the monotony of my life. In the beginning of the summer I tried really hard to keep myself learning and progressing but it's like I'm in a rut...No matter how hard I try I don't go anywhere. I think I've finally got to the point where the mental me has said "Enough! I'm tired of trying to progress and staying in the same place! I can't do anymore."

Have you ever gone to visit someone in a rest home? My great great aunt used to be in a rest home and we would go visit her. When we would get there my aunt's door would always be open, even if she didn't know we were coming. It was like she was inviting anyone that passed to see her. Every time I remeber going to see her, she was sitting in this aweful, uncomfortable looking chair staring out the window and the birds who were trying to find seeds in the empty birdhouse outside. I feel the way she looked. I'm just staring. I'm not progressing, I'm not doing, I'm not learning, I'm not being challenged...I'm just watching my life go by in a pathetic, aweful circle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. I'm just not happy either. I need something to inspire me again. I need a passion or a cause for me to wake up in the morning. Oh, well...yawn

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tears

I just started crying and I don't know why. I was reading other people's blog's and before I knew what was happening there were tears in my eyes. Why? Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel so aweful? Why am I crying?

I think I'm going to dump my boyfriend

Alright, so I have this boyfriend. His name is Ben. He's cute, he's sweet, he sings to me on the phone...I love going out with him. I know that most teenage girls would love to be in my shoes. Having a boyfriend is every girls dream. Just knowing that someone thinks enough of you to commit himself to you and you alone makes a girl feel special and wonderful. It really does wonders for your self esteem. However, I think I'm going to dump him. The only problem is, I don't really know why. He flirts shamelessly with other girls and I could say that's the reason...only I know it's not. I really don't care that he flirts. I'm honestly not jealous. I know that's what every girlfriend says, but it's really true. The flirting doesn't bother me. Sometimes he can be a little bit possessive but I don't think that's the reason either. It kind of feels good to have someone be possessive of you, it actually makes you feel valuable and loved.

I think there are two reasons that I want to dump him. Number one, I'm scared. Right now I really like Ben. I enjoy spending time with him, I like talking to him, I like cuddling with him, etc. I'm just afraid that as I spend more time with him, I'll begin to really care about him and that really scares me. If I care about him, it'll start to hurt when he flirts with other girls. If I care about him, everything will begin to hurt. I just know that it will. I'm scared to care because I'm scared to hurt. I know it sounds stupid but...it's true. Number two, he actually adds alot of stress to my life. I feel like in order to live up to his expectations I have to be a supermodel, a perfect mormon, a wonderful singer, a brilliant pianist, a flawless student, a sweet girl, a witty girl, a perfect girl. But I'm not perfect. I know I"m not perfect and I know that I never will be perfect, but for some reason I still try. Having Ben just makes that need for perfection even greater and when I realize that I'm not perfect, I become more depressed then I can handle.

I can't be perfect. Why can't everyone in my life, including me, just see that. I'm messed up! Does the world hear me? I am not perfect! I am flawed and weird just like everyone else ! And, I'm going to dump my boyfriend! (I think.)