Smiley's blog

Sunday, July 31, 2005

I think the room is wait, it's just my head.

Today I went to church and was talking with the miamaids in my class. They were talking about their school schedules and...I don't know...everything just hit me. I'm in eleventh grade. Most of the people reading this blog are seniors. In two years I'm going to be moving to the marriage meat market of the world!!! (BYU) That is scary! I guess I just realized today how much everything is quickly time is going.

So much has happened in the last two years. I've changed so much. I'll absently glance at a mirror and I don't recognize myself. It's really scary. I'm not being one of those people that's stuck in the past and can't get past it, though. I'm glad things are changing. I'm becoming a better person. We had presidency training last week and we did a whole bunch of trust exercises and stuff. One of the exercises was swinging on a rope to a platform and there was this one person that had a really hard time doing it. I totally sucked at it and was like falling all over and stuff...but I did it. And as I was standing there watching her struggle, I knew that I had changed. Two years ago I would have been that girl that couldn't do it because I wouldn't try...but I tried. I sucked, but I tried. Life can be so great if you can just let go of your fear. Okay, so last night we watched the Indiana Jones where he goes and gets the holy grail. Well, you know the part where he steps of the ledge? That totally applies to this. We have three choices for every decision we make in life. You can step off the ledge and possibly fall to your grave (or just not get what we want and suffer the additional consequences, know...we're not always cheating death like Indiana Jones and stuff...yeah), you can step off the ledge and get what you've always wanted, or you can turn around and never know what would have happened. Honestly, I think the last option is the worst. It's terrifying to jump because there is always the possiblity of failing, but there's also the possibility of succeeding. It's better to just jump and see what happens then not to try at all.

Anyway *getting off my soap box*, I guess I've just been ignoring the fact that things are changing and today I realized it. I'm terrified but I'm excited too. And I'm making the goal right now to live my life to the fullest this year. When I come to some challenge this year and I'm thinking of backing out or giving up...remind me of this post and that I promised myself I would jump off any ledge of life I came to. Okay, I'm done now.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Contradicting Emotions

I'm so confused right now. I have so many emotions and I know what they are, it's just...they all cross each other out.

I'm really excited to go back to school but then I don't want summer to end. I regret some decisions I've made, but then I know they were the right thing to do. I love people and I hate them. I love myself and I hate me. I'm excited for this year but part of me seems to have become resigned to the fact that it will probably suck. I love piano but I never want to play again. I want to be in the musical, but I don't. I want to become friends with some people that I've drifted away from, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. I want to be with people, but I want to be alone.

There's this person in my live that I can not understand. He just...boggles my mind. I've been one of his best friends for months and I have no freaking idea who he is. I don't know if he loves me, or if he used me, or if he was just playing with me. I don't know if he still cares about me or if he ever even did. I was so innocent. I tried to be guarded but I wasn't. I gave him so much with out ever realizing what I was doing and now...I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I don't know where, who, what I am. I think I might have loved him...maybe not "that's amoure" kind of love...but I did love him in a way. And now, I don't know. He's so mean...but then he's nice too...I just don't know who he really is... Part of me says that he used me. Blatently. Cruelly. Intentionally malicious. Another part says that he was playing with me, the way that he plays with all girls. He was having fun and never intended to do more then that. If only I could've seen that when it was happening then...and held back. I could've protected myself, I didn't though. Childish. Immature. Irresponisble. Another part says that he really did care, that he actually does miss me....but... that...i don't know...He couldn't have. Why would he have done what he did?...aaaahhhh....I'm so confused...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I'm really scared right now.

Okay, so last night I woke up with a bloody nose, right? Well, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and, you know, there was blood on my face and stuff and I like cleaned it up and then I went into this major anxiety attack. Seriously. Like I got nauseous and light headed and I started to shake all over. I put my head betweeen my knees thinking it would help but it didn't and I just kept shaking. Anyway, it took like ten minutes for me to get to where I could even stop shaking and start breathing normal again. I couldn't get out of bed without getting sick again so I just stayed there. And it was just a bloody nose!!!!! I've had so many bloody noses in my life and I've never even gotten whoozy, let alone a full blown anxiety attack!!! I'm kind of worried, actually. That was my second large attack this week. I've had a history of anxiety in the past but I usually just get small attacks every once in awhile when something stressful happens to me. But I've had minor anxiety like all the time this week. Like tonight, I watched a movie at Lisa's house and I kept having anxiety symtoms. This isn't normal for me. I'm really starting to get scared. I don't know what to do...I'm just frightened. What should I do?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

self-centered know what I hate? I hate it when someone thinks that the entire world revolves around them. Why can't they just see that there are bigger problems in life then them. Why, instead of being selfcentered and annoying, can't they offer to help or comfort when someone has a problem. Why? stupid idiot dork dork brain hooch monkey!!!! Why can't they just help. much is that to ask.

You know, being self-centered is alot more then just being greedy. It's also being guilty. This person was obcessed with the idea that he/she had done something wrong that he/she couldn't see the real problem. That's being selfish, isn't it. I never realized that.


Saturday, July 16, 2005

The moon's keeping me awake.

It's after midnight. My body is so tired I can hardly stand it...but for some reason I just can't sleep. My eye's beginning to twitch. The moonlight is coming through my window and it seems brighter then I've ever seen it. It's like someone's shinning a huge spotlight through my window. It's kinda creepy, really. I'm really tired and I know that tomorrow I'm going to be a zombie if I don't get to sleep soon, but I just can't. I feel so alone.

I've been really, really depressed lately. I think everyone has. The heat just seems to suck the energy out you. I have no energy. I don't ever want to do anything. I just want to lay on my couch. The only time I'm truely content is when I'm asleep and now I don't even have that. Stupid moon.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I'm really lucky

Yesterday I was talking to Ben on the phone and listening to him complain about all the stuff that sucked in his life. But, really, the stuff he was complaining about didn't suck at all. Really, he was extremely lucky to have the stuff he was complaining about. Lots of people really, really need the stuff he was complaining about. Then I realized, Ben is always like that. He takes advantage of everything good in his life and isn't grateful for what he has at all. Then I realized, I'm a lot like that. I take advantage of everything good in my life. And although the things Ben was taking advantage of were a lot bigger and a lot more luxurious then the things I take advantage of, I'm still just as guilty as him. I mean, yeah, summer totally sucks and it's hot and boring, but I am still so lucky. I have my health, I have my mom, my mom has her health, I have my friends, I have food to eat, I have a roof over my head, I have my piano,, I have the opportunity to go to school and get a free education, I have the ability to go to whatever church I want. I have so much more then so many other people (especially outside the U.S.), and yet I still complain. I think in the U.S., especially in utah, it's easy to get caught up in feeling bad for ourselves (at least, it is for me), but if you just step back and look at it on a global level, we are really blessed. I don't know...I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need to appreciate what we have.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I first heard this word (Well, really heard it) from Tasha and it has become one of my favorite words. I think it must be the onomatopoeia or something but it seems to be able to describe exactly how I feel. Anyway, I was feeling really blah today when I realized that I don't actually know exactly what this all encompassing word means. So...

The American Heritage Dictionary
noun: 1. Worthless nonsense; drivel 2. A general feeling of discomfort, dissatisfaction, or depression
adjective: 1. Dull and uninteresting 2. Low in spirit or health; down


Monday, July 11, 2005

The Da Vinci Code

Do you ever just find one of those books that you absolutly can not put down to save your soul? Well, every time right before a Harry Potter book comes out, I go into this crazy, obsessed reading frenzy where all I want to do is read anything I can get my hands on. Anyways, the frenzy hit this weekend. I was going crazy yesterday afternoon trying to find something to read and I found my mom's copy of "The Da Vinci Code" that she had never read. I started it then and finished this afternoon.

That is such a great book!! I'm like still reeling from the experience of it. It's one of those books that has pretty much everything. Its intense and keeps you turing the pages, the characters experience emotional journeys, its interesting, and it makes you ask so many freaking questions. I like books like that where you feel like you become maybe just a little bit deeper from the experience. Wow, that book...I can't get over it. It was wierd, and kinda creepy, but so good. Hhhhmmm. Anyways...yeah...good book. Okay, I'm done now.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


Okay, I was just looking at my calendar and summer is like half over! We only have like 45 days left!!!! How insane is that!...whoa

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Honeysuckles and Snapdragons

Last night Ben called me and invited me to his house. I told him no. He asked if I was mad. I told him that I sort of was.

Today when I got home from babysitting there were honeysuckles and snapdragons (my favorite flowers) on my front step. He called right after I came in. I thanked him for the flowers and asked him what he thought we were. He said "very good friends". I told him that I thought we should start acting like just friends.

I feel like such a wench. I knew it had to happen and I don't want to have what we had any more but I know that now we're completely over. We won't be friends. We're over. It hurts so much.

You know, at the beginning of our "relationship," I thought that the good experiences that we were having then would out weigh the bad ones that I knew would happen in the end. I don't think I was right. I'm sitting here crying...I feel so bad. I was so mad and I was so ready for it to be over but we really did have some good times. I'm just so sad right now. I guess I'm just pitty partying... you know, he really was a pink furby...but he brought me flowers...blah.