Smiley's blog

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Uummm...c'est pas le fin (it isn't the end)...actually

Do you ever do something and as you do it, it seems like the entire universe is trying to stop you? My last post was like that. I came home and I was really really pissed. I hadn't blogged about Ben in months but I decided I couldn't handle it anymore. Before I blogged, I looked on Tasha's blog and read her post about the BOM. I wanted to put a reference on a comment so I got my book of mormon. As I wrote the blog I HAD IT OPEN IN FRONT OF ME! I even thought, "Gee, this is such an un-Christlike thing to do. I should just chanel my anger somewhere else." I just kept writing though. And then, AS I WAS WRITING, I saw Lisa get on the internet. If only I had known who had been with her. (that's another thing...what would we do different if everyone was always watching?...just a question.)

I said some really mean things in that blog that I really didn't mean. They were uncalled for and unkind and I'm ashamed of myself for writing them. Ben came over this morning and we worked things out. Thanks to Lisa, Ben figured out why I was so mad at him and...we worked things out. We talked for like two hours and I probably spen an eight-th of it crying. He was sweet and totally un-jerk-like. We both apologized and decided to be friends. I feel aweful for the way I've been dissing him to you guys. If there is one thing that I've learned through this whole situation, it's that you sould never talk about someone behind there back, even if it's true or if you never expect them to see it...'cause someday they just might see it. It's better to just get it out in the open. Ssooo...Ben, if you are reading this....I officially apologize. And you guys, I really have just presented the bad side of Ben to you and I feel really bad about that. Ben IS a good guy. He is very kind, has a very good voice, isn't flirty intentionally, is mildly attractive (especially when he sings), has a good heart, plays a mean saxaphone, hates to see others hurting (...I feel bad about that), and really is a wonderful person. (See Ben, I don't hate you.) My "be mean to Ben" phase lasted about twelve hours...and I'm glad that was all. Ben may be a furby (sorry Ben, I love you but...I don't mean it as an insult) anyway, he may be a furby, but I miss us being ...welll...us. I don't think I could ever stand to be mean to him...and it royally sucked to have all the tension between us. It'll be really good to be friends again. Ssooo...C'est pas le fin.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Le Fin

Okay, I have to admit that I'm pretty pissed again tonight. I was hanging out with a whole bunch of people tonight....and....I got mad. Like, okay, We were walking into the football game and we saw Ben and he said hi and stuff right? Well, later that night Ben called Tasha and asked where Lisa was....and Tasha thought that I was too delicate to handle it. And then I was talking to Marisa and heard a snip of a conversation between becca, chase, and marriette saying "...her and ben are officially over but they're still really close." And, I don't know...I'm just ticked. Ben has been abusing me lately and I've just been letting him. Like, all of you know why I broke up with him, it wasn't because I didn't like him....and lately he's been flirting with me alot and....I'm getting ticked. My emotions are too fragile to handle that. I can't let him just come and play with my thoughts when he's just...a jerk. Well, and also, even if we are jsut close friends, people assume that I still like him just because I'm nice to him. That's not true!!! I wouldn't date him again for all the chocolate in Belgium (there is alot of chocolate in Belgium...right?...'cause I didn't want to say the tea in China...I don't like tea...I like chocolate...). Anyways, all of you know that I cannot be mean to someone...but I'm going to have to be. I'm tired of him making me feel guilty about dumping him and then going and hitting on other girls. I'm done. I refuse to take it anymore. It's gonna kill me to be mean, but he deserves it....and I deserve it. I deserve the right to stand up for myself and say "Duh, Ben, you're an idiot and I don't want to talk to you. Go away.". Please do not think that I resent Lisa or any other girl that Ben hits on. I love you all and you are not the problem at all. If you want to date Ben you know that I am COMPLETELY okay with it. I just finally see that being good friends isn't going to work. It's the end. Le fin.

(I know I said I wasn't going to blog about Ben (correction: ben...he doesn't deserve to be capitalized....oooo, I am ticked tonight) anymore, but....I lied...just this once....sorry)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

*Hissing sounds*

Uugghh...I'm so freakin' pissed right now. So, my life's been goin' great, right? I'm so happy with everything that's been going on...everythings awesome. I even made a goal that this year I'm going to read my scriptures and try to enjoy seminary! I really wanted to improve my spiritual situation this year and i felt like so far (for the whole two days) I've been doing great. Tonight I got in a fight/disagreement with one of my young women leaders....I was dissing her because she was just being stupid and my brothers go off on me about how I'm the problem because I never go and that I shouldn't be blaming her and on and on...Duh, I'm so pissed. Like....I never sweare, right? I swore....and I think my sister-in-law saw me. Now she's gonna think I'm even more of a whore. Well, and the thing is, I love the church and the gospel. I think God's great, and the church is great, really, I think that. I just can't stand my ward. There are more leaders then girls and so they're obcessed with attendence. I have to miss alot of mutual's because I'm really busy and then when I come back after I've been gone for awhile they treat me like an inactive person...and...consequently, I never want to go. Duh, this is so gay. *Hissing* *Growling*....I'm so mad. And now I don't want to see my family because they were so mean. Like, I really really dislike them right now. How could they be so hoochy? UUuhhhh...I have to go out and socialize with them....uuuhhhh....

Saturday, August 20, 2005

ROCK THE ARTS!!!!!!!!

So, I've been going to education week down at BYU this week. It was kinda boring but there were some classses that were really good. Anyway, I went to lots of piano/music classes (Marvin goldstein, Michal Ballem, Jame Miner...). On friday, Michal Ballem talked about Les Miserables. There was this kinda punk (mildly attractive) guy sitting next to me and during one of the songs he started crying (I think it was 'do you hear the people sing'). As I watched him wipe away his tears I realized something. I LOVE THE ARTS!!!! Like, I knew I cared about them...but I never realized that I cared abou them THAT much. It's so amazing to me that the same song that makes an eighty year old woman cry (lots of old ladies go to michal Ballem) could make a punk teenage kid cry. The arts apply to EVERYONE. Music is another language...but everyone understands it. And I'm not just talking about hymns or musical theater...ALL music is inspiring. It's SO good. It is lovely, benevolent, and totally of good report. (although some of the messages aren't)...I just LOVE the power the music!!!! Music isn't the only art, though. I love art! I don't know alot about art, but I wish I did. I know that it can be just as powerful as music. AND DRAMA!!!!! I also learned this week how much I care about drama. I was in this class and the teacher was talking about how the American people want to be ignorant to the events occuring around them. He showed this clip from a movie...and, I wish he'd said what the movie was...but he didn't. Anyway, it was this reporter who was on live TV that had kinda, well, popped a screw....lost it....the straw had broken the camel's back. So, he yelled at the people about how they refused to see the depression and war around them and told them that, altough he didn't know what they should do to remedy the situation, they should be angry. Then he stood up and said, "all of you at home, get out of your chairs, go open the window, and shout 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore'.' And he just kept yelling that over and over again and then they showed the people at home and they got up and went to the window and the entire street was filled with shouting. It was so beautiful....I can't even describe how powerful it was...and I started crying....because it was SO beautiful. And we can do that, you guys! We can make people feel the way I felt! We can change peoples lives if we want to, just with our art. That's what makes the arts amazing...we can touch people in a way that nothing else can. Ah, it's just so beautiful. So, anyway, LET'S ROCK THE ARTS!!!! WOOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Hope

A few days ago...I found out that there was a chance for me to have something that I really wanted but never thought that I could have. Since then, I have come to my senses and realize that I will not have that thing... That I was absolutly silly to ever think that I possibly could. Now that I look back, I always knew that I could never have what I wanted. I never REALLY believed that I could have it. But for one day...one day...I thought I could. And even though I never (deep down) completely believed I would get it...it still hurts to have the little bit of hope that I had crushed.

Well, and, I just feel so stupid and naive. I knew. But I still put my emotions out and let myself hope. That's what this is all about...isn't it? Hope. Sousa always says "dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today." How often does that apply? Should I dream of getting something that I absolutly know I can't get? I don't know...I always knew...really...but it still hurts to realize it. And I know what you're going to say...You can get whatever you put your mind to...you can do anything you want...be anyone you want....and I know all that. If I REALLY wanted to, I could get it....but it's just not one of those things that you just go get...it just doesn't work like that. I'm not writing this to be complimented or to have people tell me about my potential....I just want to know...why did I hope?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

What am I doing?

Uummm...do any of you ever like premonition feeling kind of things? Well, it's kinda wierd, but sometimes I just feel like something is going to happen or that something bad is going to harm a certain person at a certain time...and it usually does. Now I'm not saying that I have ESPN or anything (I know that's it's really ESP...I'm not THAT stupid)...it's just, girly instincts you know. For example: My mom was going on a trip to Chicago to see my brother. When she left for the airport I had this aweful feeling about her driving up there. I even told her that I was more worried about her driving to the airport then flying and made her promise to call me when she got there. She totaled our car in South Jordan (you should always listen to me). It was really really wierd, and that's just one example. Anyways, I have wierd premonitory feeling all the time.

Well, lately I've felt like that alot. I feel like something is wrong. I keep having the urgent desire to do something...I just know that there's something I must do and I have to do it now...I just can't figure out what it is. The things is...this feeling of badness...is mine. Something wrong is going to happen to me...I'm doing something wrong...I know I am...I just can't see what it is. There it is....I just figured it out...that's my premonitory feeling. Something bad's not going to happen to me...I'm doing something bad. I'm making a decission right now that changing my life in the wrong way. It's going to hurt me. What is it? What am I doing wrong? How am I hurting myself without realizing it? Is it school...is it friends...is it boys...is it family...is it religion...??? What am I doing?

...Or am I just insane?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Aaaahhhh!!!!

Okay, so I was getting ready to go to bed and I see this HUGE bug. No, really, it was big. Well, I really hate bugs. Like, I loathe them...and, they terrify me. Sooo....I went upstairs and got my mom and she was like "no, smash it yourself. I'm sleeping." (she was asleep...it was a big bug though!!!) Anyway, so I went down, surveyed my challenge (it was in the corner behind the door) and ran upstairs again to grab the mop. I come back down, and it's freakin' gone!!!!! So I stand there...where it was....holding the mop...watching. And I seriously stood there for like five minutes. Just watching for the bug with my mop...stupid stupid bug...but it never came. So, here I am...taking a break from the bug hunt...

Mind off the bug....Mind off the bug....Mind off the bug....

Okay, I'm going down to see if it's emerged. I'll be back...

Aaahhhh!!!!! I still can't find it!!! Okay, so, you're probably wondering why I'm obcessing over a big bug. Well, last year around this time I found a bug just like this one in my room. About a month later I found it again. It was the same bug, I swear it was!!! Only then, it was like the size of my hand!!!! Well, not quite that big but like three-quarters of my fist...that big. Really. It was huge and gross and scary. They're called Jerusalem (I can't spell...shut up) crickets. They're not poisonous but they have a nasty bite. I don't want a repeat of last year. I can hardly handle how big the bug is now...but if it lives it will get bigger. MUCH bigger. And I'll know it's there. Everytime I go anywhere I'll be like "where is the stupid big bug" and it'll drive me crazy! I don't think I can handle it. Alright, I'm going to check one more time...Okay, I still can't find it. Aaannddd...I'm giving up. If I go crazy before morning, please make sure I'm put in a nice asylum with lots of petunias, chocolate pudding, and NO bugs!!!

Monday, August 01, 2005

HASH(0x8df4954)
Lois

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