Smiley's blog

Friday, September 30, 2005

The little man on the red chair fell today

Have you ever played the game 'Don't break the Ice"? Well, it's this kids game where there's the little white blocks packed all tight together and then there's a little man on a red chair that sits in the middle. And what you do is, you have a little hammer and you take turns tapping out one block of 'ice'...and the blocks are packed so tight that they stay up...anyways, you keep tapping out blocks and the person who knocks the block that makes the little man on the red chair (and usually all the 'ice') fall, loses. Well, today the little man on the red chair fell off the ice of my life.

For the past well...fifteen years...and really the past year or so, I've been really good about keeping my stressed emotions under control. I've been able to keep my life in perfect order...not to brag...but I really have. I've been under enormous amounts of stress where I should have just cracked, but I never did. My ice always stayed up...I've really never lost. Today, however, I totally lost.

I feel like the life I've been building for myself...is laying at my feet in shambles....and I don't know how to put it back together...I don't even know if I want to. Everything I thought I wanted...everything I've been working for...since the beginning of school...I feel like it's all gone. And I don't know what to do...I know that I have to rebuild, but should I go after the same things, when I've failed so miserably? I'm happy, don't get me wrong. Everyone thinks I'm unhappy. I really am happy. I'm just, stressed. (By the way, Thanks to ALL of you for helping me get through this. Especially to Tasha and Mariette. I have the most amazing, supportive, loving, wonderful friends in the world and you will never know how much I appreciate all of you!) I blogged awhile ago about hurricanes and the calm before the storm. My hurricane has hit...it didn't blow away everything (I still have all of you)...but it did destroy a lot. What should I do? Build it similar to the way it was before... get an architect to design a whole new life...or settle somewhere in between...I'm so confused. *sigh*

Monday, September 26, 2005

It was worth it?

Romeo and Juliet die...
Rhett Butler leaves Scarlet...
Satine dies and leaves Christian alone...
Rick Blaine watches 'kid' Ilsa fly away...
Christine leaves Phantom...

But it was all worth it...right? The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return...right? The loss is worth the love while it lasts...right? I know it is it has to be...it just hurts so much sometimes. Why do men change? Why do we fall in love when it hurts? Because it's worth it? I think it must be. It better be. *sigh* I know that love is wonderful...don't get me wrong...I just...*sigh*...it's all good.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Wow

I’m so stressed. It’s frustrating because there are people, like Ben, (I love him...hee hee *blushes*...hmm) who have SO many more extracurricular activities then me…and I feel stupid complaining when I look at my schedule and then look at theirs. BUT, this is my official venting. I’m going to get it out now and hopefully I won’t complain to any one in person anymore. I have TWO AP classes and TWO honors classes. I’m in two scenes for Shakespeare team, am doing the “out damn spot” scene for class, and I’m in the ensemble for Beast. Also, I have Three callings in my ward. My homework NEVER ENDS!!!! I swear….it doesn’t!!!! I keep failing at everything I do. I can’t do as good as I expect myself to do. I keep falling short. I just keep falling short. It’s driving me nuts….I want to cry. I just….I’m learning that I can’t be perfect…and I just can’t handle it. Oh, by the way, thanks you guys. I don’t think I would be able to do it all if I didn’t have the support of my friends. UUUGGGGhhhhhhhh…..stress!!!!!!!

Thank the Lord for creaking houses

So, I was just rehearsing my 'out damn spot' monologue, right? Well, I'd just finished the part where it's like '...perfumes of Arabia could not sweeten this little hand..." and I was like on the floor crying and stuff, right? Well, something in my house bumped. And it was like a big bump...and it totally freaked me out...but I totally, like, stayed in character. So, like, the character is supposed to be freaking out and be scared and stuff, so I totally just kept going with my monologue. Only, I did like I'd never done it before. I was scared and I felt this HUGE urgency to get done...to convince my husband to leave with me. It was awesome. Like, Awesome. Aaahh...I can't even explain...just...thank the Lord for creaking houses.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Uuummm....

Listen, you guys, I don't know why but I feel like lately I've been kinda out of it and I want to apologize. I don't know why...I just...haven't been myself lately....and I'm really sorry. If, in my wierd 'i'm not emily' mood, have like offended any of you or been annoying to you, I sincerely apologize. Really. I just want you want all of you to know how much I appreciate and love all of you. Even if I don't say or show it all the time, I'm really really grateful that all of you are in my life. You do SO much for me, you have no idea, and I don't...tell you enough. So anyways, I love you all and I'm sorry....uummmm...yeah.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The calm before the storm.

Calm...peace...silence. Those things scare me. My life is full of those right now. I'm happy. I'm peaceful. I'm perfectly calm. Nothing is wrong...yet.

You know hurricanes?...they say that before a big storm everything becomes perfectly peaceful...no wind, no rain...just the peace. And then, BOOM, it hits and you're life is over. EVERYTHING is gone. You loose you're lifestyle, your home, maybe the people you love, and sometimes you even loose yourself. You have to rebuild...but not only that...first you have to get a backhoe and load away all the crappy garbage your destroyed life left behind. THEN you get to rebuild...from the foundation up. It SUCKS. Planning to go to college?...OOOhhh, too bad for you. You were ready to go to college but now you have to stay here and rebuild your life from the beginning. THEN you can go to college, Soorry. Finally ready to start a relationship with the person you know you love?...OOOhhhh, too bad for you. You had your chance, but, unfortunatly, they were swept away in the storm. You'll never be able to speak to them again...let alone tell them you love them, Sooorry. Decided that you were ready to go after you passion and leave caution in the wind?...OOOhhh, too bad for you. Now you don't have time to go after your passion. You're too busy insulating your new house. Gosh that sucks for you, Soorry.

I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want my life to be over. I want to go to college, I love Ben, my passion is drama. I know these things and I'm trying to go after them. I'm trying. trying. But my life is peaceful. Too peaceful. The air is heavy and I'm afraid that someday soon the storm clouds that always loom above our heads are going to burst open and wash my happiness away. Please don't let this happen. I'm scared.