Smiley's blog

Monday, October 24, 2005

Okay...I've calmed down...

I've thought a lot about it the past few days. It's really been bothering me because I couldn't figure why the things Ben are doing now are bugging me so much now when before it didn't. I came up with this: I see Liz almost every day...and I know Ben sees Liz everyday....and..I'm a jealous hooch monkey. Ben likes Liz...I think...even if he doesn't (which I think he does) it hurts that he sees her and spends time with her and so when I see him flirt with her it hurts more because I know that he's doing more then that with her when I'm not around. And now that Liz is with Chase...I mean, I happy for Chase and everything, really I am....it just hurts to have her around...and hanging out with her?...I don't know if I can handle it.

Anyways...back to what I've decided. Ben could really, honestly, truely like me. Bbuuut, that's a long shot. Ben could also be manipulating me and using me as a cuddle buddy. Either way, I can play his game. I enjoy having a cuddle buddy as much as he does...why should I let that go just because he can be a jerk? The key is this: I CANNOT put my heart on the line. Unfortunatly...my heart is on the line...so I've just got to bring it back. Until then, I probably will be sad and weepy and whinny and annoying....but I'll get over it. Ben hurt me...but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not about to throw away our relationship just becuase I'm a jealous wench. That's it.

(hee hee...Ben's jealous too...in the haunted forest when I was grabbing Chase's shoulder to guide us becuase I couldn't see where we were going...Ben got mad...it was so funny...thanks Chase (okay, is it just me or is that SO much different then wanting to go to his ex-girlfriends house? Did I have a right to be mad about that? Should I be mad at Ben? I don't know what gives me the right to be mad and what doesn't!?! It's SO frustrating! I'm not like him, right? I wasn't grabbing Chase's shoulder because I was like "oohhh...hot shoulder" or "oohh, it's Chase, I'll grab his shoulder" or '' ha, make Ben jealous by grabbing Chases's shoulder"...NO....it was dark, I couldn't see, Chase was just in front of me. If Ben can get possessive about that then I SO have a right to get possessive over Ben wanting to go to Liz's and stuff...right?))

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Friendship After Love

This is the second time in three days that Ben has brought me to tears. I'm sitting here sobbing...I'm so hurt. I don't even know if I have a reason to be hurt, that's the worst thing...I've never had a boyfriend...I don't know what's acceptable for him to do and what isn't. I don't if I'm just being dumb and sensitive and getting hurt over nothing...that's probably it...that has to be it...he did worse things before and I was fine...why does it hurt so badly now. It seems that lately I've been hurt more then happy. I know the break up has to come. God, I know it has to come...I'm just not ready. It's hell. This is hell...but it's more hell then this...I think. I know it's coming...I'm just not ready....

Friendship After Love
AFTER the fierce midsummer all ablaze
Has burned itself to ashes, and expires
In the intensity of its own fires,
There come the mellow, mild, St. Martin days
Crowned with the calm of peace, but sad with haze.
So after Love has led us, till he tires
Of his own throes, and torments, and desires,
Comes large-eyed friendship: with a restful gaze,
He beckons us to follow, and across
Cool verdant vales we wander free from care.
Is it a touch of frost lies in the air?
Why are we haunted with a sense of loss?
We do not wish the pain back, or the heat;
And yet, and yet, these days are incomplete.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I hate him...I hate him for hurting me...for manipulating me..but I love him for being him...and I don't want to be hurt anymore but I know that when I break up with him, there's gonna be an empty part in my heart. Lisa, don't show this to Ben....I've got to be an actress. I've got to build up my skin to the way it was before. These little assine things he keeps doing...I've got to stop them from hurting. It's MEN, emily, NOT ben...just men in general. I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I might as well start learning now. You're going to say that that isn't true...that most men are good...that's a LIE....they're not...(No offense to you boys)...anyway...I've got to put up with it and I can't show it ....I can't show it....I'm just not ready for friendship after love...not yet anyways.