Smiley's blog

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Friendship After Love

This is the second time in three days that Ben has brought me to tears. I'm sitting here sobbing...I'm so hurt. I don't even know if I have a reason to be hurt, that's the worst thing...I've never had a boyfriend...I don't know what's acceptable for him to do and what isn't. I don't if I'm just being dumb and sensitive and getting hurt over nothing...that's probably it...that has to be it...he did worse things before and I was fine...why does it hurt so badly now. It seems that lately I've been hurt more then happy. I know the break up has to come. God, I know it has to come...I'm just not ready. It's hell. This is hell...but it's more hell then this...I think. I know it's coming...I'm just not ready....

Friendship After Love
AFTER the fierce midsummer all ablaze
Has burned itself to ashes, and expires
In the intensity of its own fires,
There come the mellow, mild, St. Martin days
Crowned with the calm of peace, but sad with haze.
So after Love has led us, till he tires
Of his own throes, and torments, and desires,
Comes large-eyed friendship: with a restful gaze,
He beckons us to follow, and across
Cool verdant vales we wander free from care.
Is it a touch of frost lies in the air?
Why are we haunted with a sense of loss?
We do not wish the pain back, or the heat;
And yet, and yet, these days are incomplete.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I hate him...I hate him for hurting me...for manipulating me..but I love him for being him...and I don't want to be hurt anymore but I know that when I break up with him, there's gonna be an empty part in my heart. Lisa, don't show this to Ben....I've got to be an actress. I've got to build up my skin to the way it was before. These little assine things he keeps doing...I've got to stop them from hurting. It's MEN, emily, NOT ben...just men in general. I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I might as well start learning now. You're going to say that that isn't true...that most men are good...that's a LIE....they're not...(No offense to you boys)...anyway...I've got to put up with it and I can't show it ....I can't show it....I'm just not ready for friendship after love...not yet anyways.

7 Comments:

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    Emily, I haven't technically had a boyfriend either but I do know anyone, if it be a boyfriend or even a friend, is not suppost to make you cry.
    Mabey once if it's because of something like a missunderstanding. But never more than that. Emily STOP. Just stop talking to him. Stop listening to him. Stop feeling guilty when you don't talk to him. Just stop. I love you and I'm giving you hugs right now. Hugs. Hugs. Call me. We need to talk

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger The Asian Sensation said…

    Oh PLEASE someone, ANYONE back me up on this. Sousa? Back me up.
    It is not MEN. It is BEN. You should never EVER settle for this. You do not have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and if you don't get that into your head you are going to end up dating a lot of assholes.
    It is not acceptable. Do not put up with it.

     
  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    Tasha...I agree with you. It is Ben. Yeah, there are a whole lot of other guys out there like Ben, so it is men too, but I also know that not all guys are like that.

    Like Tasha said...don't EVER settle. Because you really will get into the midset of dating a whole bunch of second-rate jerks, and that is a hard mindset to break out of.

    I really do know this from experience. If you want to know more, just ask me, okay? You deserve to know what this can lead to.

     
  • At 12:53 PM, Blogger thesexyswede said…

    Emily IT'S BEN! It IS Ben!! It's not all men, men are nice. I know EXACTLY what you are doing. You are stuck in a state of mind that all men are like your father; Ben has emotionally abusive traits that your father had doesn't he?

    He's manipulating you! He's using you! DON'T SETTLE FOR THIS! How can you love someone that cuases you this much pain?? If lately you are hurt more than happy end it. No guy is worth this pain. No guy is worth crying over like this. You are not just being over sensitive! You are hurting for a damn good reason! And if he's done worse things before then why are you still putting up with it?

    Emily don't settle for this. You deserve to be treated right, you deserve so much more than this! It honestly hurts me to see you like this! like I'm crying right now.

    Don't let this experience with Ben taint you. Emily...remember what I said to you a while back? "I like him A LOT, but I'm not going to settle for second." Emily, we are here to support you. I Love You

     
  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger thesexyswede said…

    Emily IT'S BEN! It IS Ben!! It's not all men, men are nice. I know EXACTLY what you are doing. You are stuck in a state of mind that all men are like your father; Ben has emotionally abusive traits that your father had doesn't he?

    He's manipulating you! He's using you! DON'T SETTLE FOR THIS! How can you love someone that cuases you this much pain?? If lately you are hurt more than happy end it. No guy is worth this pain. No guy is worth crying over like this. You are not just being over sensitive! You are hurting for a damn good reason! And if he's done worse things before then why are you still putting up with it?

    Emily don't settle for this. You deserve to be treated right, you deserve so much more than this! It honestly hurts me to see you like this! like I'm crying right now.

    Don't let this experience with Ben taint you. Emily...remember what I said to you a while back? "I like him A LOT, but I'm not going to settle for second." Emily, we are here to support you. I Love You

     
  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger Smiles0415 said…

    *tears*...JESSY!!!!!!!!

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger that lisa girl said…

    DON'T settle, hun. and if it got to the point that I ever DID feel like showing him something like your blog AGAIN... well, I wouldn't. because that is just crap. he doesn't deserve you if he has to be reminded of who you are and that you are a living human being and you FEEL...

    I am reminded of those kinds of movies where the husband is an abusive drunk, but the wife won't leave him because she knows that somewhere down there is the man she fell in love with. the only problem is that she hasn't seen that man since she married him. and then the story always ends in death- either murder where the husband gets careless enough to kill the wife, or the wife realizes there is no other way out...

    and I don't want either of those endings for you!! you deserve so much better! if you think that getting out of it before it gets that way is the right thing to do, then do it!! and if you don't, then think logically about how you honestly feel- and make the logical choice. it may not feel right, but know that you don't have to go on living in a world of hell just for a boy...

    I love you so so much!!

     

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