Smiley's blog

Monday, October 24, 2005

Okay...I've calmed down...

I've thought a lot about it the past few days. It's really been bothering me because I couldn't figure why the things Ben are doing now are bugging me so much now when before it didn't. I came up with this: I see Liz almost every day...and I know Ben sees Liz everyday....and..I'm a jealous hooch monkey. Ben likes Liz...I think...even if he doesn't (which I think he does) it hurts that he sees her and spends time with her and so when I see him flirt with her it hurts more because I know that he's doing more then that with her when I'm not around. And now that Liz is with Chase...I mean, I happy for Chase and everything, really I am....it just hurts to have her around...and hanging out with her?...I don't know if I can handle it.

Anyways...back to what I've decided. Ben could really, honestly, truely like me. Bbuuut, that's a long shot. Ben could also be manipulating me and using me as a cuddle buddy. Either way, I can play his game. I enjoy having a cuddle buddy as much as he does...why should I let that go just because he can be a jerk? The key is this: I CANNOT put my heart on the line. Unfortunatly...my heart is on the line...so I've just got to bring it back. Until then, I probably will be sad and weepy and whinny and annoying....but I'll get over it. Ben hurt me...but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not about to throw away our relationship just becuase I'm a jealous wench. That's it.

(hee hee...Ben's jealous too...in the haunted forest when I was grabbing Chase's shoulder to guide us becuase I couldn't see where we were going...Ben got mad...it was so funny...thanks Chase (okay, is it just me or is that SO much different then wanting to go to his ex-girlfriends house? Did I have a right to be mad about that? Should I be mad at Ben? I don't know what gives me the right to be mad and what doesn't!?! It's SO frustrating! I'm not like him, right? I wasn't grabbing Chase's shoulder because I was like "oohhh...hot shoulder" or "oohh, it's Chase, I'll grab his shoulder" or '' ha, make Ben jealous by grabbing Chases's shoulder"...NO....it was dark, I couldn't see, Chase was just in front of me. If Ben can get possessive about that then I SO have a right to get possessive over Ben wanting to go to Liz's and stuff...right?))

9 Comments:

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger the orange said…

    sorry, just had to say I TOTALLY agree with you. Keep smiling

     
  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger Smiles0415 said…

    Totally agree with what? And who are you??? I LOVE the picture. Who are you? Do I know you?

     
  • At 11:03 PM, Blogger the orange said…

    I totally agree that you have the right to feel possessive, and that maybe he didn't in that case. I'm really sorry that Ben's being a jerk, I really don't think he means to be. He comes to me all the time asking advice on how to make you feel better. It sounds like he's not taking my advice very well, lol. hehe sorry, you really do know me, glad you figured it out. I didn't mean to hide my identity. btw, how'd you find out who I was? lol

     
  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger the orange said…

    oh yeah, thanks about the picture. I had fun making it, haha

     
  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    ok I love you and I todally agree with you. With the whole Chase and the shoulder thing I todally agree. Ben's stupid to be jelouse about that and you have a lot more reason to be upset with him because it is different. And I love when you said you enjoy cuddling as much as he does. That's why I only have cuddle buddies. Like KC. He is a man hoe but I love to hug him. He gives good hugs. I love you and will see you later. XOXOXOXOXOXOX

     
  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger Sousa said…

    Emily, I think you have a right too. I knew a lady once who gave me a piece of advice, she said "Honey, if you got somthin' to be upset about, you just go ahead and let all yo' frustration out." Or something like that, I was young, she was black; I figured it applied though. If you feel like you've got something to say, let it out. You've got every right to feel whatever it is that you want to feel. You can't please everybody so make sure you please yourself. And personally, I'm on your side. There is a huge difference from putting your hand on Chase's shoulder and Ben hanging out at Liz's house and flirting with her. You've got every right to be upset, and you've gotta let him know that. Make sure he treats you like an equal. If he want sto flirt with Liz or whatever, then he's better lighten up on you. You gotta tell people what you're thinking because nobody else can. You're a smart, beautiful girl and I know you can make sure you're happy, so do it. Be happy. If you want to be with Ben, make sure you're happy with Ben, if not then move on. You're going to break a few hearts, step on a couple toes; it's inevitable in this life, so you've got to be willing to do it. So go find your bliss. Live your story walking.

     
  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    awww Emily. It's been a while since I've been here, and wow. I'm so sorry hun!

    I totally understand where you are coming from, but also, I don't want to see you sink to his level. You've got to let go of him if he really is causing you so much pain. Don't hold on and pretend, because that will only hurt you more in the end. Trust me, I know from experience. Don't ever let yourself have the guilt of using someone, even if they deserved it in a way, please?? It doesn't go away easily. Trust me...

    I know it hurts right now, but you need to think rationally and calmly. You don't want to do something you'll regret later. The thing is, guys can be really dense sometimes and not understand that they are hurting us. We need to explain it over and over again and sometimes they don't even understand then, but if they really do care about us--they will stop, even if they don't understand why.

    You have every right to be angry with Ben for wanting to go over to Liz'z all the time, okay? But you really don't know what's going on in his head, just like he doesn't know what you are thinking. Don't assume anything--talk to HIM about it, if you really want to work it out. Yeah, he may like Liz, but you don't know that for sure!

    And one more thing...this flirting with Liz has got-to-stop. Seriously, if he's not willing to commit...let him go. If he's not making you as happy as someone as wonderful as you deserves (which it doesn't seem like he is) then don't go back to him!

    Well...there's my two cents. Take it for what it's worth. Just...please stay as sweet as you have always been, okay? I just want you to be happy. Sure it may hurt Ben...but if you don't teach him this lesson...when will he learn it? And you've got to make sure you're not hurting yourself more by staying with him.

    I love ya, Emily. You'll figure it out, I know you will. *hug*

     
  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger Smiles0415 said…

    You know, the funny thing is...I think alot of it is me. I'm really jealous of Liz. Not because I think Ben likes her (which I still do) but because I feel like I don't measure up to her. No one can deny that she is a Spanish beauty...and having Ben go from dating someone like that...to dating me...I just feel really insecure. And I don't want any of you to be like "Oh, Emily you're pretty" or anything that's not what I'm saying...it's just...I think alot of it's me. Ben probably isn't THAT flirty. Me...though...my mind...Liz is better then me and I'm just terrified with the thought that Ben is comparing us or Ben secretly wishes he were back with her or things like that just becuase...I feel like he SHOUld be that way becuase I feel like she's better then me. And don't say "no, she's not" because you won't change my mind. I've just thought alot about it lately and I want ya'll to understand that alot of this jealousy stuff is probably my fault...not so much Ben.

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger The Asian Sensation said…

    Emily, I'm not there most of the time when you are with ben, so to be honest, i do not know how much he flirts with liz...
    But I do know that you are someone who keeps me sane. You are a VERY rational person. And you wouldn't feel jealous unless you had a good reason. Above all things.... trust yourself.

     

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