Smiley's blog

Monday, November 07, 2005

For the love of all that is holy, I am NOT a freaking energizer bunny!!!!!!

I feel like I'm running. I feel like I've been running for two years...sprinting since school started. And I'm giving out. Everything is catching up with me and I just can't get away from it anymore. But I CAN'T let it catch me...I can't!!!!!! But it is...ugh. Ben...my past, dear heaven, my past...my father....my grades...everything is catching up with me.

I went to Cabella's the other night and...it disturbed me SO much. Cabella's was my life. I was a farm girl-hick-fisher-hunter-elk raiser-counry bumpkin. I lived that life. I've spent hours in sporting goods stores just like that one. But I haven't been in one, or seen an elk, or heard a bull bugal, or looked at rifles, or fishing knifes...in two years. I haven't thought about them either. I feel like when I moved here I was like a mushroom...one day it rained and POOF, here I was. No roots, no history, just a spore in the wind that landed and that was me. I forgot that I had a history...I've been running from it for years...I'm a different person now..but last week it came and bit me in the butt and scared me to death. I can't run...I can't hide...not anymore...

And Ben, he's a good kid and he supports me and helps me...but he's so dumb. Either that or he's really really mean. Either way he hurts me. Why does he do it? The one person...the one person I asked him not to date is the first person he asked...why? Why should I stay with someone who did a thing like that. Yes, Ben is an idiot. And idiot or an abuser.

My father's catching up with me too...I don't want to talk about that...but let's just say I have bruises in my soul from the emotional havoc he causes. God in heaven, I hate that man. But i can't run from him anymore...he's always there.

All of it's always there....AND I DON"T KEEP GOING AND GOING!!!!! I stop sometime...and that time is coming soon. *sigh* Do I have to get tomorrow????