Smiley's blog

Monday, November 07, 2005

For the love of all that is holy, I am NOT a freaking energizer bunny!!!!!!

I feel like I'm running. I feel like I've been running for two years...sprinting since school started. And I'm giving out. Everything is catching up with me and I just can't get away from it anymore. But I CAN'T let it catch me...I can't!!!!!! But it is...ugh. Ben...my past, dear heaven, my past...my father....my grades...everything is catching up with me.

I went to Cabella's the other night and...it disturbed me SO much. Cabella's was my life. I was a farm girl-hick-fisher-hunter-elk raiser-counry bumpkin. I lived that life. I've spent hours in sporting goods stores just like that one. But I haven't been in one, or seen an elk, or heard a bull bugal, or looked at rifles, or fishing knifes...in two years. I haven't thought about them either. I feel like when I moved here I was like a mushroom...one day it rained and POOF, here I was. No roots, no history, just a spore in the wind that landed and that was me. I forgot that I had a history...I've been running from it for years...I'm a different person now..but last week it came and bit me in the butt and scared me to death. I can't run...I can't hide...not anymore...

And Ben, he's a good kid and he supports me and helps me...but he's so dumb. Either that or he's really really mean. Either way he hurts me. Why does he do it? The one person...the one person I asked him not to date is the first person he asked...why? Why should I stay with someone who did a thing like that. Yes, Ben is an idiot. And idiot or an abuser.

My father's catching up with me too...I don't want to talk about that...but let's just say I have bruises in my soul from the emotional havoc he causes. God in heaven, I hate that man. But i can't run from him anymore...he's always there.

All of it's always there....AND I DON"T KEEP GOING AND GOING!!!!! I stop sometime...and that time is coming soon. *sigh* Do I have to get tomorrow????

6 Comments:

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  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger the orange said…

    I've felt like that before...probably not to the same extent, and probably not for the same reasons (in fact, most likely not) but when things start catching up with you, you have to turn and fight at least some of those things. Deal with them in a way that will benefit not only you, but maybe the other person. You can't pretend there are many parts of you...when you split yourself up like that, there can never be a complete person there. Accept the good things, and the things you can't do anything about, and deal with the bad ones a few at a time. There may be some things you will have to give up

     
  • At 11:56 AM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    you need donut-sluffing time too. I can tell. I have a fifth sense about these things.

    hahaha! Ok...anyways...

    Babe, just because you will eventually run out sometime doesnt mean it has to be now. Dont quit because you think you have to. Dont quit at all.

    I want to say I know what youre feeling, but Im pretty sure I only do in one respect. (whoa! respect? Ive been watching too much pride and prejudice...) Your Father. Mine too. All the hatred and the fighting. All the bruises on your soul. I know. Ive been there. I AM there.

    But we definitely need to sluff and talk about this over donuts. I promise you will feel better. Or maybe you need one of my full body massages. I hear those are nice.

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    In a way I know how you feel. It seems like everything is happening at the same time. You want to run away and hide but you cant. At least one of our problems will be over in a week. Then you can start dealing with the other ones... I really dont know what to tell you about Ben exept he shouldnt be treating you like that. If a guy likes you he should be treating you like a princess... You deserve nothing less... I just want you to know that I love you. HUGS!!!!

     
  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    I dont know if a guy should be treating you like a princess. I dont mean that you dont deserve it Emily, I just mean that...

    Well why do they have to treat you like a princess? Why is it THEIR job to be the cute perfect ones that are totally in love...?

    Dont expect him to treat you like one. Not that you do, but dont. Thats... kinda rude.

    He shouldnt be treating you like he is, but I wouldnt go so far as to say he should be treating you like a princess...Thats just my opinion.

     
  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    OF COURSE he should be treating you like a princess! sorry bryn...but i only half-agree with you. yeah...the guys shouldn't be the only ones making sacrifices and treating their girlfriend like a treasure, the girls should put forth just as much effort to respect and care for the other. But they should still treat you like a queen. otherwise...it proves that it isn't the best relationship for you because we all know that there are better guys out there.

    mutual respect and cherishing the time when you are together is everything.

    all i know is...in most circumstances, you get what you give in a relationship. and if one or neither of you respects or trusts the other...it needs to end. because no matter how cruel a person is, they don't deserve to be strung along. and no matter how sweet and patient someone is...it's just not going to get better. there is no reason to keep hurting yourself.

    i love you emily! you'll make the right choice. i know you will. just make sure that YOU ARE HAPPY! i hate seeing you bitter and upset.

    smile hun!

     

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