Smiley's blog

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Numb and lonely...

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't stand the thought of looking my mom in the face and smiling and telling her that everything was alright. I couldn't stand the thought of talking to Ben and pretending to be happy and carefree, when I really want to cry and scream.

My father's been an ass lately...and I know that you guys are all there for me and everything...but I still feel so alone. No one understands how I feel. At school, no one understands that I'm dying inside. They think I'm the same/happy person I've always been. And, I dont' want to talk to them about everything that's going on in my life...I just wish my teachers...and my friends...and presidency...could understand that even getting out of bed in the morning drains me emotionally. Coming to school is torture...I hear people complaining about little things...like preference...and it's just like...so stupid. I just wish....I don't know. At home, the un-understanding is even worse. I'm so tired of my family telling me how should feel. Mom telling me that I need to be "a little girl" and let 'mom take care of it'. My brothers telling me that I'm an idiot. Why can't they just let me mourn...why can't they just let me get the hurt over with so that I can heal.

I wanted to get up this morning and scream and cry and break things and punch things...but instead I got up and cleaned. I didn't cry...I didn't smile...I didn't do anything. I can't do anything. I feel numb inside. I've stuffed every honest emotion so far down...that all that's left is a robot...I tried so hard to not show that I was upset....and my mom still yelled at me this morning. "Why are you so grumpy?" she said. ... "i'm sick." I answered. Maybe if I lie enough I'll start to believe it. Isn't that what Stanislovski says....Tell your self something and eventually the sub-consious takes over and you believe it, right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine....

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't think I'm like, a freak or something...just family issues...ya'll know how that goes...well....okay, then. Thanks.

Honor your parents...uummm...like hell.

I'm sorry. But God had no clue what he was talking about. Honor your parents? Why? I never asked to come to them. I don't owe them anything! If I had sent them a letter from heaven and been like, "Dear Mommy and Daddy, please give me a chance to come to earth" then that would be another story, but I didn't. They chose to have me, and if they don't like me, that't their problem. Now, I understand that you do have to obey/be grateful to them, if they like, provide for you and stuff. But what if they don't! Then I don't owe them a thing! Right! It's just like that a sperm-donor. There's no scripture about "honor thy sperm-donor"! Stupid...