Smiley's blog

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Numb and lonely...

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't stand the thought of looking my mom in the face and smiling and telling her that everything was alright. I couldn't stand the thought of talking to Ben and pretending to be happy and carefree, when I really want to cry and scream.

My father's been an ass lately...and I know that you guys are all there for me and everything...but I still feel so alone. No one understands how I feel. At school, no one understands that I'm dying inside. They think I'm the same/happy person I've always been. And, I dont' want to talk to them about everything that's going on in my life...I just wish my teachers...and my friends...and presidency...could understand that even getting out of bed in the morning drains me emotionally. Coming to school is torture...I hear people complaining about little things...like preference...and it's just like...so stupid. I just wish....I don't know. At home, the un-understanding is even worse. I'm so tired of my family telling me how should feel. Mom telling me that I need to be "a little girl" and let 'mom take care of it'. My brothers telling me that I'm an idiot. Why can't they just let me mourn...why can't they just let me get the hurt over with so that I can heal.

I wanted to get up this morning and scream and cry and break things and punch things...but instead I got up and cleaned. I didn't cry...I didn't smile...I didn't do anything. I can't do anything. I feel numb inside. I've stuffed every honest emotion so far down...that all that's left is a robot...I tried so hard to not show that I was upset....and my mom still yelled at me this morning. "Why are you so grumpy?" she said. ... "i'm sick." I answered. Maybe if I lie enough I'll start to believe it. Isn't that what Stanislovski says....Tell your self something and eventually the sub-consious takes over and you believe it, right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine....

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't think I'm like, a freak or something...just family issues...ya'll know how that goes...well....okay, then. Thanks.

6 Comments:

  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger thesexyswede said…

    scream.

    do it. don't hide the hurt, just let it out. to hell with everyone.

    next time I see you I'm giving you a hug.

     
  • At 5:37 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    Emily I love you... I don't know what else to do... I don't feel like I am helping at all... Mabey I'm not... I don't know but I love you soo much and hugs whenever and whereever I see you...

     
  • At 12:49 AM, Blogger shamae said…

    Your eyes give that away. At least they did the... what.. Three times I've ever seen you? Trust me, bottling these emotions and telling yourself lies is not a force to be reckoned with. I could see it tearing you up, girl, an I'm sure it's worse now than it was then. It may be best that you learn that on your own though. You're good, Emily. You're just so good. And I don't mean that in the way that everyone says to you, even though you hate it.
    You dig?

     
  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    Aw babe. It sounds like you need me to buy you some cheep glass dishes at a yardsale... Then you can throw and break things to your little hearts content.

    If healing is what you want, you wont getting by keeping your emotions down where youve stuffed them. If healing is what you want, what you need is a vacation. And finally, if healing is what you want, what you need is tell your family something is wrong but you cant tell them what because its something that you have to deal with on your own.

    While I dont feel like you have to deal with it on your own, maybe you should tell your family that and find someone who CAN help you. Of course, only you can decide who that person is.

    Maybe Im wrong... Im just throwing out suggestions...

     
  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    Im coming to school soon. I miss you all.

     
  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger thesexyswede said…

    emily's beautiful

     

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